After some research I learned this.
The problem is not trivial to solve and there are several solutions each with advantages and disadvantages. The reason for the complexity comes from inter CPU synchronization issues. If not done right it might appear to work correctly 99.9% of the time, which isn't enough, or it might fail under load.
Three solutions that I found are 1) hazard pointers, 2) quiescence period based reclamation (used by the Linux kernel in the RCU implementation) 3) reference counting techniques. 4) Other 5) Combinations
Hazard pointers work by saving the currently active references in a well-known per thread location, so any thread deciding to free memory (when the counter appears to be zero) can check if the memory is still in use by anyone. An interesting improvement is to buffer request to release memory in a small array and free them up in a batch when the array is full. The advantage of using hazard pointers is that it can actually guarantee an upper bound on unreclaimed memory. The disadvantage is that it places extra burden on the reader.
Quiescence period based reclamation works by delaying the actual release of the memory until it's known that each thread has had a chance to finish working on any data that may need to be released. The way to know that this condition is satisfied is to check if each thread passed through a quiescent period (not in a critical section) after the object was removed. In the Linux kernel this means something like each task making a voluntary task switch. In a user space application it would be the end of a critical section. This can be achieved by a simple counter, each time the counter is even the thread is not in a critical section (reading shared data), each time the counter is odd the thread is inside a critical section, to move from a critical section or back all the thread needs to do is to atomically increment the number. Based on this the "garbage collector" can determine if each thread has had a chance to finish. There are several approaches, one simple one would be to queue up the requests to free memory (e.g. in a linked list or an array), each with the current generation (managed by the GC), when the GC runs it checks the state of the threads (their state counters) to see if each passed to the next generation (their counter is higher than the last time or is the same and even), any memory can be reclaimed one generation after it was freed. The advantage of this approach is that is places the least burden on the reading threads. The disadvantage is that it can't guarantee an upper bound for the memory waiting to be released (e.g. one thread spending 5 minutes in a critical section, while the data keeps changing and memory isn't released), but in practice it works out all right.
There is a number of reference counting solutions, many of them require double compare and swap, which some CPUs don't support, so can't be relied upon. The key problem remains though, taking a reference before updating the counter. I didn't find enough information to explain how this can be done simply and reliably though. So .....
There are of course a number of "Other" solutions, it's a very important topic of research with tons of papers out there. I didn't examine all of them. I only need one.
And of course the various approaches can be combined, for example hazard pointers can solve the problems of reference counting. But there's a nearly infinite number of combinations, and in some cases a spin lock might theoretically break wait-freedom, but doesn't hurt performance in practice. Somewhat like another tidbit I found in my research, it's theoretically not possible to implement wait-free algorithms using compare-and-swap, that's because in theory (purely in theory) a CAS based update might keep failing for non-deterministic excessive times (imagine a million threads on a million cores each trying to increment and decrement the same counter using CAS). In reality however it rarely fails more than a few times (I suspect it's because the CPUs spend more clocks away from CAS than there are CPUs, but I think if the algorithm returned to the same CAS on the same location every 50 clocks and there were 64 cores there could be a chance of a major problem, then again, who knows, I don't have a hundred core machine to try this). Another results of my research is that designing and implementing wait-free algorithms and data-structures is VERY challenging (even if some of the heavy lifting is outsourced, e.g. to a garbage collector [e.g. Java]), and might perform less well than a similar algorithm with carefully placed locks.
So, yeah, it's possible to free memory even without delays. It's just tricky. And if you forget to make the right operations atomic, or to place the right memory barrier, oh, well, you're toast. :-) Thanks everyone for participating.